Alien contact, and some more clues for them.

I received the following message recently, and thought you all should see it.


Dear Mudge,

Your post entitled “Living in the Uncanny Valley” has come to the attention of the Placement Authority for Helixontakers.  “Helixontakers” is a very crude translation of what we call our “people”. It has no pronunciation, since we don’t use sound for our language. It refers to something we do that involves moving through seven or eight dimensions, performing an act that you can’t imagine.

That name in translation was shortened by an early observer (usually ignored, as prophets are) to “Helots”. Here he is seen describing his own crude assessment of our nature:

We tried to explain a bit more to him, but he hopped a freight and disappeared before we had a chance.

While any number of earthlings have come up with theories that they are occasionally visited, or even invaded and colonized, by “aliens”, your little essay is by far the most accurate such exposition that has been made public. We have decided to further inform you so that your people and ours might better accommodate each other.

mopsshapechangeFirst, you are correct that we can take a human appearance.  We can take many appearances. If you’ve wondered why your cell phone, refrigerator, or cat behaves oddly, that’s likely to be one of us. The mouse in your story was one of us. We received a painful report of the incident many years ago. We can easily move among human, other animal, and inanimate appearances.

Early experiments in taking form from already-available human material might be responsible for some strange reports in your culture, including the calypso classic “Zombie Jamboree”. Protocols for assembling the parts probably inspired the “back to back, belly to belly” refrain. The Placement Authority frowns upon such practices nowadays. Ed Wood was one of us. Otherwise a great visionary, he very inaccurately portrayed an early experiment in Plan 9 from Outer Space and was ostracized for it. Yes, we’ve had considerable influence in Hollywood for a long time.

Nowadays, we make our own human forms from scratch, and they have some features that you might have deduced. They absorb water from their surroundings, and normally have no need to drink. They also absorb some solar energy directly, which explains why we don’t seem to have the horse sense to stay out of the sun. Yes, many weather reporters are ours, which ought to explain why sunny weather is always called “beautiful”, even in a record-setting drought.

Unless we assume a particular appearance, you would have no way of perceiving our presence. Why we do it is difficult to explain. It involves a need to have a certain “grounding” (crude translation again) in those three dimensions so that other things can be done. The Placement Authority, as the name implies, tries to facilitate such grounding on this planet.

Right away, you might be wondering just how many of us have been grounded on Earth. We try to keep a low profile and blend into the old reality as much as possible, so let’s just say that full assimilation, to which we aspire, would make that question unnecessary.

Rather than view our presence as a “colonization” akin to what Palestinians and indigenous Americans have experienced, it really is better to see it as a need to educate children, who enter the world with no idea of what is proper behavior and must learn by some haphazard experience, some deliberate study, some carrots and sticks. The collection of materials pointed to in your “Uncanny Valley” post is an example of what is needed, hence our decision to communicate with you frankly.

You are not the first earthling to notice our presence, only the first to say some accurate things about us publicly. Others who are aware of us have chosen to exploit that knowledge, often much to the disadvantage of our assimilation. Some cases in point:

●  “Reality” shows are produced (We don’t control ALL the media.), purporting to show how real people behave. Many Helots have been taken in by this scam, and emulated the behavior seen there with disastrous results.

●  House porn, collector porn, and things like Antiques Road Show have had similar effects, leading to the crap-collecting behavior you’ve observed among us, not to mention the housing bubble. It has caused some of our people to go into interior design and architecture as occupations, with bizarre results.

●  “Buffalo Wings” were introduced as a way of identifying Helots. Only a being that can maneuver in at least five dimensions can extract the edible part of the chicken wing and convey it to the mouth without getting sauce everywhere. Anyone else who tries to eat them is starving to death. The confusion of capsaicin with flavor is another scam to which our people are vulnerable.

●  Like many people trying to “fit in”, ours are often drawn toward whatever seems to be the “most popular” or “lowest common denominator” part of whatever culture they’re living in.

ArnoldflagThis has led many to join the biggest political parties, go to work for the biggest industries, and adopt a loyalty to the biggest granfalloons, with all the reverential treatment of authority, sacred texts and grandiloquent talking points that that might imply. Some even think that because “o’er” is in the sacred National Anthem it can be used elsewhere, for instance, or that the accents in words can be ignored in lyrics (e.g., “gallantLY streaMING”).  Reverence for anything that appears time-honored can account for the passive acceptance of the U.S. election system that you observed.

gingrichpresidentofmoon2We understand that it can be difficult for you to sort out who is a Helot vs who might be appealing to them as part of a scam. I’m not authorized to give you a list, even if an accurate one could be compiled, because it might invite some kind of holocaust in your current stage of development if such a list were available. I’ll only observe that if someone is capable of acting human in private, but chooses to behave in an odd way publicly, it’s probably a scammer.

All this should make it pretty clear how vulnerable Helots are as they try to fit into their new home, and anything more you and your readers can do to enlighten us would be most welcome. We need alternative sources of information that don’t seek to
trap us.

We have much to offer your people as our assimilation progresses. It might not be obvious now, since the process is in its early stages, but assimilation does not preclude making some improvements. Do I need to point out that, as with the buffalo wings, we have some capabilities that you don’t have?concertinadryersmall (though we do have trouble when forced to limit ourselves to three dimensions.)

And let’s just say, we have no monopoly on having made disastrous choices.

aliensnuclearpowerAs we integrate ourselves into your societies, we hope to encourage some progress, but clearly your people won’t react well to anything too sudden. All the more need for rapid assimilation.

With respect,

Wheelmeltgently (crude translation, again)
16th Overseer
Helixontaker Placement Authority


This message does clear up some things for me. I always wondered about buffalo wings, and suspected for a long time that interior design was alien-controlled, but only heard stories second-hand, since I never dealt with it myself.

So, in the interest of educating the Helots, I’ll post some general principles on interpreting things they see in our culture:

(1) Any behavior portrayed for entertainment purposes should be assumed NOT to be something to do in real life until proven otherwise.


(2) Any cause or product promoted “for the sake of the children”
should be likewise suspect.

(3) Anyone claiming that law enforcement “needs more tools” to do the job is lying.


(4) Anyone claiming that your nation state, or any large granfalloon, is the “greatest” needs to be ignored.


(5) Any product promoted to “make your life easier” should be suspect. At the very least, it’s likely to demand some skill and attention from you to actually be useful


Is that a good start? Maybe my readers can add something.

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4 Responses to Alien contact, and some more clues for them.

  1. Elyse says:

    This explains so much. Especially about the chicken wings.

  2. Pingback: Alien contact, and some more clues for them.

  3. Pingback: Nothing Certain, but Some Clues: Measure K in Orange Unified | kitchenmudge

  4. Pingback: MORE NEWS FROM THE HELOTS | kitchenmudge

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